I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
she peed on how many people?
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
Randomize
