Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
Randomize
