First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Randomize
