This is not my ceiling
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
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I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
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