Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
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