I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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