She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
