I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
do people in england often walk their sheep on leashes? or is this guy the exception to the rule?
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
Randomize
