he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
God, I missed his penis.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
