based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
i think my cat just said my name.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
Randomize
