dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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