so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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