Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
