My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
I DEMAND FORESKIN
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
