I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
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A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
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I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
If I die, sorry about rent.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you