In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
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His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
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Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND