I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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