i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
My liver just had a heart attack.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
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