i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
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