Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
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