3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Randomize
