so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize
