the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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