I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator