I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
The 19 Strangest Things People Use To Get Off
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
These 25 Normal Couples Tried Porn Moves During Sex And It Ended Horribly
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.