So J keeps drinking his last bit of drink, then spitting it out and drinks it again. Savor the flavor?
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
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