The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
Floor bacon is actually really good
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
