Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
