The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
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