I am puke
Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
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