I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
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