shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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