I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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