so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
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