The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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