my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
