I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
Randomize
