nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
