I look better un-naked...
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
Don't tell me you're on acid again
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