...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
I found my old addy guy via fb who clearly understands the supply and demand curve of addy during finals so he's gonna hook me up.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Randomize
