Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize
