im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
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