If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
Randomize
