He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Randomize
