What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
Gay?
German.
Pity.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
