i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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