my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Randomize
