I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
Randomize
