then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
The power of my boobs compel you
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
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