I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
Randomize
