Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
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