I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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