He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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