Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Randomize
