And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Randomize
