I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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