nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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