dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
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