im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
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