I just found a bag of teeth...
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
