Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
Randomize
